President Obama made the following groundbreaking announcement at the abandoned Members Only warehouse this morning (the same warehouse where Derek Zoolander and Hansel held their historic male model "walk-off"):

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. As I look around this room, I see many well-dressed people. I see members of Congress, lobbyists for powerful special interests, and media giants in attendance. As the privileged few, we can afford the finest fashions, the best designer clothing. We are the lucky ones, but not everyone in America shares in our good fortune. Throughout this land, the wealthiest country in the world, we have a great disparity in the quality of clothing and accessibility to fine clothing. Even as we in this room don our Brooks Brothers suits and Donna Karan dresses, others, through no fault of their own, are forced to wear sub-standard clothing, such as cheap sweat pants and t-shirts from Value City or Goodwill. Others are forced into wearing threadbare hand-me-downs, and some even make pants out of trash bags, or wear only boxer shorts. Imagine if one of those people was your child or your grandmother.

This is a grave injustice in a country that prides itself on equal rights for all. Quality clothing is a basic human right, and no American should be without it. As many as 60 million in this country suffer from inferior clothing, and many die due to a lack of proper warm clothing in the winter. We have a moral obligation as a people to correct this situation, and that's why I'm calling today for an overhaul of our clothing delivery system. Everybody should enjoy the same quality of fine clothing that Congress receives, and that's the goal of my clothing reform.

We currently have a system where greedy clothing retailers and wholesalers line their pockets with profits while the underprivileged struggle to meet their daily clothing needs. Giant corporate interests and Wall Street gamblers make millions in this immoral de-pantsing of ordinary working people, who often must make a decision on whether to purchase proper clothing or pay their heating bill. CEO's like Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger rake in the big bucks and live in mansions. The same can be said for the supermodels, the beautiful people who serve as hucksters for the corporate world and drive clothing prices out of the reach of most. Together, these shirtsters and shoesters add 30%, 50%, 100%, or more to the cost of our underwear and outerwear.

I receive many letters and e-mails from Americans seeking help with their apparel needs. One such letter came from Mr. Willy Makeit of Gary, Indiana. Willy writes, 'Dear Mr. President. I've been out of work for 6 months, and this morning I finally had a job interview. When I went to put on my one decent pair of dress pants, I noticed the rear end had split out, leaving me nothing to wear for the interview. As a result, I didn't get the job, and now I don't know how I will feed my six kids. Please help. I'm nearly at the end of my rope. I'm also a veteran.'

Hearbreaking stories like this are why I'm calling for a redistribution of our clothing wealth. I am creating a government program that will require the big clothing corporations to provide affordable, quality clothing for all. This program will bend down the clothing cost curve and provide clothing subsidies of up to $1,500 per year to all who need it. I will pay for this program by reversing the Bush tax cuts for the rich, and by imposing a tax on those making more than $250,000 per year. I also mandate that employers give clothing benefits to all employees at a minimum of $1,000 per employee per year. I further mandate that all clothing be union-made to insure that the finest quality is achieved. This will, of course, be resisted by the powerful special interests, but I will not stop. I will create a new government agency, the Federal Department Of Apparel, to insure against price-gouging, excessive profits, and outrageous executive salaries in the garment industry. My goal is to make the United States the best-dressed nation on earth, and I will not stop until this right is bestowed upon every man, woman, and child in this great country. Clothing is a more important right than the right to a job, the right to food, the right to shelter, or even the right to health care. Without clothing, you can't even do these other things. You'd be arrested if you went outside without any clothes on. Clothing is therefore a primary right.

There are naysayers who complain that the U.S. Constitution doesn't give the federal government the power to control the clothing industry. This phony argument presents a false choice, and is only a distraction used for partisan political purposes. In addition, the Constitution has a blind spot when it comes to both casual and formal wear. The founding fathers did not address the issue.

There are others who desire a single-payer clothing system, and while that is an admirable goal, the history of garment development in this country does not easily lend itself to this end. Unfortunately, we have a history of capitalism and free market economics in this country. Despite all it's flaws and inequities, we cannot fundamentally transform this system overnight. It will take time. My clothing reform is an important and critical first step.

I expect Congress to have the Clothing Reform bill on my desk by the end of this year, when I will sign it into law. In closing, I say God bless America, whether your God be Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or whatever, or if you have no God at all. Thank you very much. Yes We Can !"

Now that it appears the Democrats are going to pass something they can call health care reform, I've been wondering what will come next for the Dems. There's cap-and-trade to ruin the energy industry fix global warming climate change, but then what, other than the inevitable amendments to health care reform and cap-and-trade that will have to be implemented to deal with all the unintended consequences of those oppressive measures ?

Because it's the holiday season and I wish good will to all men, I have a killer idea for the donkeys in their quest for a Fourth Reich Of The Democrat Kind…….

Fruits and vegetables.

Yup. Fruits and vegetables could be the next "crisis" for the Democrats to address. Think about it. All people need food (even more than health insurance, believe it or not), and fruits and vegetables are acknowledged as the healthiest foods. All the Democrats have to do is use their standard talking points, apply them to fruits and vegetables, and voila!, a "crisis" is born ! Here's what I mean:

1. People need fruits and vegetables, but the rich have the means to purchase them in much greater quantities than do the poor. All liberals know this is not fair. I bet they could even find a study that says 40,000 people die every year from not having enough fruits and vegetables. The Dems could say Fruit And Vegetable Reform is about saving lives.

2. Evil capitalism and it's demonic sidekick, PROFIT, rear their ugly heads all along the food production cycle. Farmers (often evil corporate farmers) make profits, wholesalers make profits, truckers make profits, and grocery retailers make profits from selling lifesaving fruits and vegetables to the American people at inflated prices. This is a travesty, putting people's lives second to the almighty dollar. Liberals could propose a single-payer fruit and vegetable system to correct this outrage. Maybe they could create a couple government-sponsored enterprises to oversee the redistribution of food wealth – Fruity Mae and Veggie Mac. Sure we have the Food Stamp program already, but that's like Medicaid, woefully inadequate. Much more needs to be done. There are probably 100 million Americans who don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. The government must step in to bend down the cost curve and correct this dire situation.

3. Simply taking control of the food production cycle from A to Z is not enough. In order for the government to ensure that all Americans eat their fruits and vegetables, the government must mandate it. Americans must either eat their recommended amounts of fruits and vegetables each day or pay a fine/face imprisonment. It's for our own good, you know.

4. Huge tax increases must be implemented to pay for the government taking over all the farms, wholesalers, trucking companies, and grocery stores. When "naysayers" point out that this is socialism, liberals will laugh derisively and accuse the naysayers of being for "the failed policies of the past" for using the term "socialism," and then point out that lots of socialism already exists in America – the post office, the military, health care, General Motors, Social Security, etc. A little more socialism will surely not hurt.

5. Subsidies (welfare) will be enacted to help the poor have the same ability to acquire fruits and vegetables as the wealthy folks do. Again, this is a health and fairness issue. I know we already have tons of unfunded entitlement liabilities, but see point #4 about paying more taxes. Don't worry, only OTHER people will pay those taxes, not you. Or at least Congress will make it appear that way. They are experts at that kind of thing.

Any conservative types who oppose Fruit And Vegetable Reform will be characterized as mean, greedy, and uncaring. If any of those mean conservatives start muttering about how inefficient the enormous federal bureacracy is, or start yammering about supply and demand principles, or any stuff like that, just point out how well centralized food production and distribution has worked out elsewhere, like in the Soviet Union. On second thought, strike that, even though waiting in line six hours for a loaf of bread IS preferable to having an unfair capitalist pig, profit-based food system where almost every conceivable type of food is abundant and readily available. Remember, this is about FAIRNESS. The rich capitalist foodsters don't care about that. They only care about their big salaries and yachts.

In order to get the ball rolling, I'm urging all caring liberals to lend their financial assistance to my new lobbying group, People For A Vegetative State. You can make your checks out to me personally, and I'll see that your money goes to bribe every congressperson in sight (after a small remuneration to me for my time and efforts. I have to eat too. ). You can trust me. I'm compassionate. After all, I thought up this idea, didn't I ???

And after Fruit And Vegetable Reform passes, we'll go after the scumbags in the clothing industry. I can't afford designer labels, can you ??? Only the wealthy rapists of the proletariat can afford stuff like that. Power to the people, and dos vedanya.

It's long past time that I paid tribute to The Onion, America's Finest News Source. Here are some selected news features.

Warning – there may be an odd curse word or ten contained in the material below.

1. A certain President has a teleprompter snafu:

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

2. December has been named National Awareness Month.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."
"All across the country, millions of men and women are dangerously unaware," AFPAT spokesperson Karen Teeling said during a press conference Monday. "What's worse, the vast majority of those suffering from this debilitating state of mind don't even know it." MORE

3. American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter, 'Thanks A Lot, A**hole':

Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week…fellow Muslims across the nation sent him a message today, saying "thanks a f*cking bunch, a**hole," to the 39-year-old killer. "Hey, great, eight years of progress right down the sh*tter," MORE

4. Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly.

WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly.
"From Hannibal's disastrous crossing of the Alps to Custer's humiliating defeat at Little Bighorn, human history has been plagued by senseless mistakes, and it is high time we built a memorial to honor that history," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said of the expensive and ill-advised monument. "My deepest hope is that future generations of Americans will one day look upon this pointless edifice and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder at mankind's utter lack of foresight."
"To think of all the ways our time and money could have been better spent," Pelosi continued. "I can imagine no more fitting tribute." MORE

5. Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response.

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu. "Thousands of Americans—hardworking ordinary Americans like you and me—already have H1N1," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said during a press conference. "Now Obama wants to take that away from us. Ask yourself: Do you want the federal government making these kinds of health care decisions for you and your family?" MORE

6. Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed.

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama held a nationally televised address Tuesday to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his health care proposal, assuring Americans that under the new bill senior citizens—and not the federal government—will have the right to choose how they are executed. The president vows to systematically eliminate all American seniors in a manner of their choosing by 2011.
"Let me dispel these ridiculous rumors once and for all and set the record straight: Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story," said the president, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority. MORE

All Onion News Network stories have been certified to be 100% mostly true by the Arthur Andersen accounting firm.

It has been quite a ride for Barack Hussein Obama. In addition to becoming the first Kenyan-born American President after stealing the 2008 Democratic primary from Hillary Clinton and having ACORN fix the general election in a dozen states, Obama won the prestidigitous Nobel Peace Prize for saying "Hopey" stuff to foreigners. (This just in – Peace Prize winner Obama authorized a drone attack in Pakistan, killing four people). What has not been so widely reported are a number of other awards our wunderkind President has received. In a worldwide scoop of imaginary proportions, All Da King's Men takes pleasure in reporting the following:

For playing in pickup basketball games, Obama has won the NBA Most Valuable Player award. For appearing on television, Obama has been awarded an Emmy for Best Dramatic Actor, and also for the new Best Teleprompter Performance category. For throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game, Obama has been awarded the MLB Cy Young award (in the special 'throws like a girl' division). For going to Copenhagen to speak to the Olympic Committee on behalf of Chicago, Obama has been awarded the Gold Medal in the high hurdles. Obama has also been named Dog Owner of the Year by the American Kennel Club, Best Dressed Man by GQ, Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine, Time Magazine Man of the Century, and Best Person In The World by Keith Olbermann for a record 492 days in a row. Obama was also named the Businessman Of The Year by Moveon.org for "saving" 375 million American jobs with his stimulus package, though 3 million American jobs were actually lost overall. Kudos to Mr. Obama, whose rallying cry of "it could have been even worse" has brought untold comfort to so many of the unemployed.

Inexplicably, President Obama did NOT win the Oscar for Best Actor In A Motion Picture, sparking immediate complaints of bias from the mainstream media. The Justice Department is investigating possible ballot box stuffing by Fox News after Glenn Beck's underdog victory against the heavily favored Obama. A vast, right wing conspiracy is suspected. MSNBC talker Chis Matthews attributed this "unparalleled slap in the face" to racism and the "de facto leader of the Republican party," Rush Limbaugh. Matthews' call to kill Limbaugh by exploding a CO2 canister inside Limbaugh's head was widely endorsed in liberal circles, due to Limbaugh's tendency to engage in rhetoric that, according to liberals, "contains veiled code words that incite violence." No Limbaugh-related violence has yet taken place during the radio talker's 21-year career, but media pundits expect the lid to blow of that simmering cauldron of rage any day now. The media also added that Limbaugh was a fat racist drug addict, could stick his NFL bid up his blowhole, and called for an immediate end to his divisive rhetoric.

In related news, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin was named Wingnut of the Year, Worst Mother of the Year, and Complete and Total B*tch of the Year by Soros-affiliate Media Matters, who called for an immediate end to her divisive rhetoric.

Former President George W. Bush was named Nazi of the Decade for overthrowing the Taliban and Saddam Hussein, thereby freeing 55 million people from tyranny. Bush also won the Unilateral Cowboy Yahoo award for invading Iraq along with 33 other countries and the authorization of the United States Congress. President Bush was unavailable for comment, but former Veep Dick Cheney unleashed a string of profanity when asked about the ignominious awards by non-partisan investigative journalist Janeane Garofalo, who queried "who is the biggest Nazi, you or Dubya ?". Garofalo was treated for birdshot wounds later at a local hospital.

The Nobel Prize for Economics went to independent filmmaker Michael Moore, who developed the brand new economic theory that "the alternative to capitalism is democracy." This groundbreaking theory is so deep and profound that nobody can figure out what the heck Mr. Moore is talking about, being that capitalism is an economic system, and democracy is a system of government. And here I always thought the alternative to capitalism was the House Of Representatives. Darn. Mr. Moore has bonafide credentials as a high school graduate and is a workingman's hero, having worked at a General Motors plant for one day (not kidding). Then he filed for workmens's compensation and SSI. He's the real deal. Fellow Nobel laureate economist Paul Krugman of the New York Times, who won the award for his "liberals are smarter than you" economic theory, said Michael Moore was deserving of the Nobel prize, unlike those hacks Milton Friedman and Adam Smith, who believed in some shadowy concept known as the stupid free market.

The White House has decided to wage war against Fox News (but is still trying to decide if the Taliban is the enemy), and named it the Most Irritating News Network Of The Year. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs declared "Fox News keeps saying stuff we don't like. That must stop, or we'll launch a drone attack against them. They're jihadists". When reached for comment, rival cable news network MSNBC asserted, "nyah, nyah, na, na, na". MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is expected to deliver an hour-long, emotive, and heartfelt special comment about Fox called "Fixed Noise Is Satan, But Far Worse, And I Should Know, I'm Kind Of An Ivy Leaguer," though only six people will actually see Keith Olbermann's program. Fellow MSNBC'er Rachel Maddow insists that Olbermann's histrionics are very important and not to be missed (and she said it with her serious face, so she really means it).

Winner of Hollywood's Favorite Pedophile Of The Year is acclaimed filmmaker/convicted child rapist Roman Polanski, who, upon hearing of his honor, said, "Guilty as hell, free as a bird." No, wait. That's what William Ayers said after he got off on domestic terrorism charges on a technicality. Polanski said "Guilty as hell, free as a JAIL bird". Polanski remains in the pokey, even though celeb-o-crat Whoopi Goldberg claims that Polanski didn't commit "rape rape." No, it was more like pretend rape, but still with the rape part. It's nuanced.

In an effort to remake the tragically unhip GOP maxi-zoomed dweebies into a bunch of super-cool hep cats, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has won the Welcome To This Century award for discovering….blogging [golf clap]. Steele's blog is called Change The Game, winning out over his other possible blog name choices, such as, "Don't Be A GOP Playa Hater," "A Steele In The Hand Is Worth Two Of Bush," "The GOP Is Dyn-O-Mite !," and my personal favorite, "Repub-We-Can !". No word yet on who will be replacing Michael Steele as RNC chairman.