Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert set out to prove what liberals already know to be true..that the Citizen's United v. FEC ruling allowing corporate campaign cash into American elections is an outrageously outrageous travesty of a sham of a travesty, and besides, the ruling will most likely result in more campaign funds going to, cringe, pro-business Republicans. No surprise liberals want that outlawed. Only Obama should be able to raise a billion campaign dollars, because he's special. He's a (cue the choir of angels) Democrat. Hosanna in the highest.

Colbert tried to setup a PAC to show how easily money could be used to influence our elections. Much to Colbert's satirical chagrin, he ended up satirizing himself. His efforts to create his PAC were thwarted time and again, as he ran into regulation after regulation governing corporate campaign donating.

At this time, I'm going to abdicate Da King's throne (barstool), and leave the rest of this post to John Hayward of Human Events. His comments about Colbert's self-satirizing pratfall are too good for me not to print in their entirety. Without further ado, heeeeere's Hayward !:

Comedian Stephen Colbert has filed papers with the Federal Election Commission to create the “Colbert Super-PAC,” a political action committee he intends as a satire of corporate political spending and the Supreme Court’s Citizens United decision. As the Hollywood Reporter explains:

In 2010, the U.S. Supreme Court nixed federal laws that limited corporations from donating unlimited money to candidates and political causes. Many Republicans began taking advantage of the development by gaining tens of millions of dollars across the nation, and political observers believe it was one of the reasons why the party was able to take back the House of Representatives.

Colbert now wants to do the same, explaining he believes in the American Dream. "And that dream is simple," says Colbert. "That anyone, no matter who they are, if they are determined, if they are willing to work hard enough, someday they could grow up to create a legal entity which could then receive unlimited corporate funds, which could be used to influence our elections.”

This is said to spell trouble for Fox News, or more precisely for Fox News contributors who have their own PACs, like Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, and Karl Rove. If the FEC decides Colbert’s PAC is really a campaign contribution from the parent company of his television network, Comedy Central, it could lead to a lot of squinting and chin-pulling over the political action committees of the Fox contributors.

Colbert is right on target with his satire. Free speech is such a headache when everyone gets to participate! Especially evil corporations, which spend huge amounts of money to manipulate politics for their own interests… in sharp contrast to noble left-wing organizations, which spend huge amounts of money to manipulate politics for the good of all mankind.

What chance does an innocent mind have against that ocean of corporate political cash? How can we tolerate such distractions from the vital messages conveyed by important left-wing campaigns filled with millionaire celebrities? The messages built directly into the popular entertainment that spills from millions of theater screens, television sets, magazine pages, and music downloads are not enough to raise public awareness to the level of true enlightenment.

We should absolutely have draconian laws to prohibit corporations from influencing public opinion. Except for media corporations. They should be the only corporations allowed to have any influence, and theirs should be unlimited. Why not? They don’t have agendas or anything.

Well, most of them don’t. There are just too darned many media corporations influencing opinion these days. You’ve got sinister operations like Fox, and then you’ve got virtuous White House-approved truth tellers, like Comedy Central and al-Jazeera. Fox routinely crushes its competition in the ratings, so its influence is obviously an unfair and dangerous exercise of evil corporate power. Look at how many helpless viewers wander into their clutches, night after night, to be exposed to all those dangerous ideas!

What we really need, in order to protect the childlike American voter from having the soft clay of his opinions sculpted by titanium corporate scalpels, is some serious regulation of speech. At least during campaign season. Which begins two weeks after each election, and lasts until the next election. We could have two weeks of wild, unrestrained, free speech rumspringa every two years, but then the wise and highly educated monitors of officially regulated truth could go back into action.

Colbert deserves praise for calling our attention to the absurdity of political spending by American capitalist organs. They generate far too much noise, and drown out the sermon from the high priests at our officially approved media temples. Only a mind deprived of input can be truly free.

Indeed. Americans must be protected from all these unregulated…ideas.

met·a·phor -noun
1. a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our god.”
2. something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol
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Following the Tucson shootings, our professional media quickly reached the conclusion that metaphors were the root cause (i.e., Palin's metaphorical "crosshairs" map, Palin using the word "reload" metaphorically, Palin's face appearing on metaphorically-shaped television screens, etc). According to a recent CNN poll, a plurality of Democrats believe Palin's metaphors are partially responsible for the Tucson shootings (in related news, a plurality of Democrats also believe their computers are living beings, unlike their fetuses).

Thus, even though metaphors have a long, illustrious history as powerful figurative literary techniques, CNN moved to ban them after it was discovered liberals had no idea what words like "figurative" and "metaphor" actually mean. Liberals suspect they may be covert calls for political violence. The jury is still out on whether liberals understand the meaning of the word "historical", though it doesn't look good. History may have to be banned next, as well as all words containing more than five letters. A DailyKos diarist pointed out that if you rearrange the letters in the word "metaphor", it spells out "team orph", which might be a reference to a shadowy right-wing militia-type extremist group. One can't be too careful. Those right-wingers are freaking diabolical (that means 'evil', liberals).

Here's professional newsman John King of CNN to explain the problem:

King: "Before we go to break, I want to make a quick point. We were having a discussion about the Chicago mayoral race. My friend Andy Shaw used the term 'in the crosshairs' in talking about the candidates. We're trying, we're trying to get away from that language. Andy is a good friend, he's covered politics for a long time, but we're trying to get away from that kind of language."

I can only assume liberals were flooding the FBI with calls demanding that John King's friend Andy Shaw be arrested for inciting political violence, so CNN's view is understandable. Laughable, but understandable.

There is rumor that President Obama may soon appoint a Metaphorical Oversight Czar (MOC) to monitor the situation and ferret out violations of figurative speech. I mean, without that, people might start going around saying all kinds of things, saying whatever they want to say. Imagine what kind of country that would be. Obama definitely should MOC speech like that before it gets out of control, don't you think ?

Congressional Democrats willl introduce their landmark Keeping An Eye On The English Teacher legislation next week, with a special 800-number for schoolkids to call in order to keep the authorities apprised of non-acceptable metaphorical speech. Upon hearing this news, Joan Copperfield, head of the Camden County Teacher's Union And Pancake Breakfast, commented that the new legislation "was like putting a gun to our teacher's heads". Copperfield was immediately relieved of duty for a speech violation, and was last heard being dragged off screaming, "but that was a simile ! It was a simile !" Liberals were not moved by Copperfield's pleas. Liberal spokesman Grant Inquisiter responded, "whatever a simile is, we don't like those either. Copperfield is acting like a horse's ass !" Inquister was also immediately relieved of duty. Liberals are looking for a mute to replace him as spokesperson.

Before that bitch Sarah Palin came along and ruined metaphors for CNN and everyone else, the Washington Examiner points out that CNN used THE EXACT SAME CROSSHAIR METAPHORS when referring to Palin and others. Here we go:

"Palin's moose-hunting episode on her reality show enraged People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and now, she's square in the crosshairs of big time Hollywood producer, Aaron Sorkin," reported A.J. Hammer of CNN's Headline News on December 8.

"Companies like MasterCard are in the crosshairs for cutting ties with WikiLeaks," said CNN Kiran Chetry in a December 9 report.

"Thousands of people living in areas that are in the crosshairs have been told to evacuate," Chetry said in a December 21 report on flooding in California.

"He's in their crosshairs," said a guest in a December 21 CNN discussion of suspects in a missing-person case.

"This will be the first time your food will be actually in the crosshairs of the FDA," business reporter Christine Romans said on December 22.

"The U.S. commander in the East has Haqqani in his crosshairs," CNN's Barbara Starr reported on December 28, referring to an Afghan warlord.

"We know that health care reform is in the crosshairs again," CNN's Joe Johns reported on January 3.

All these irresponsible "crosshairs" incitements were uttered on CNN in the month prior to the Tucson shootings. Coincidence ? Or subversive plot ? Only liberals know for sure. Maybe we should call the Truthers. They're always on top of things.

I made a phone call to CNN's Vice President In Charge Of Figurative News for an explanation of why CNN used the violent phrase "in the crosshairs" so often, and why that was different from what Palin did. CNN's FIgurative VP replied, "we're going to try not to do it in the future, but it was alright when we did do it, because we aren't Sarah Palin". Then he hung up on me.

Back to you, Soledad.

When Senate Majority Leader Harry "the war is lost" Reid (D-Las Vegas) realized the war was lost regarding passage of the Dems $1.2 trillion pork-filled omnibus spending bill (the Party Of No said 'NO!'), he had to pull the bill.

When Senate Majority Leader Harry "the war is lost" Reid (D-AQI) got the Food Safety Bill passed by a wide margin two weeks ago, he hailed it as a grand achievement, and Senate Democrats sent out press releases trumpeting their glorious achievement (was our food previously UNSAFE ? Who knew ?)….until members of the House Of Representatives reminded loser Reid that Article I Section 7 of the Constitution requires tax increase measures to be initiated by the House. Section 107 of the Food Safety bill raises taxes in the form of fees. Oops. The Food Safety bill might now be dead in the lame duck water. Democrats sure have problems with that Constitution thingy, don't they ? Rather odd for Senators who swear to uphold the Constitution when they are sworn into office. You'd think they might give the Constitution a peek. It's only 17 pages long.

Senator Harry "the war is lost" Reid (D-MX) and his lame ducks also lost on the DREAM Act, but loser Reid's losing streak ended yesterday, when the Democrats passed repeal of Democrat President Clinton's silly Don't Ask, Don't Tell (DADT) policy, with the help of a few Republicans. Hollywood celebrities are absolutely thrilled, though I don't see it as such a big deal. After all, gays were already allowed in the military, they just had to keep quiet about their sexual predilection. I always thought it was rather dumb to kick someone out of the army because he told someone else he was gay, but on my list of political priorities, DADT was so far down the list that it barely registers a shoulder shrug. Now the gays that are already in the military won't be kicked out of the military for telling someone else they are gay. Big whoop. Gay marriage is a lot bigger civil rights issue to me.

But that's just me. As I said, Hollywood celebs are ecstatic. Here are a few examples:

Lady Gaga: "Can't hold back the tears+pride. We did it!i Our voice was heard + today the Senate REPEALED DADT. A triumph for equality after 17 YEARS."

Ellen DeGeneres: "Thank you Senators for pushing us one step closer towards full equality."

Ricky Martin: "One step closer to #equality!! #DADT is gone!Historical! #lgbt."

Cyndi Lauper: "Historic day. 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' repealed. It's about time. Step by step we're headed towards full equality."

No word on when Lady Gaga, Ellen Degeneres, Ricky Martin, and Cyndi Lauper will join up and fight for their country. Because the celebs are all liberals, it definitely won't be until the imperialist criminal American war machine stops slaughtering innocents all over the world in pursuit of hegemonic world domination and abandons all wars for oil and other capitalist wars of choice, wars that kill children and other living things for no reason whatsoever. Peace out.

Makes one wonder why these celebs wanted gays in the military in the first place. Shouldn't they have wanted gays OUT of the military, the way it used to be before the celebs got involved ? Oh well. I guess the liberal Hollywood celebs wanted equal rights for ALL baby killers, including the gay ones….or something like that. I can't keep up.

You're probably starting to wonder when I'm going to get around to the world ending on tuesday, so here it is – after the omnibus bill was scuttled, the House Of Representative put forth another resolution that would continue to fund the federal government, but it will only fund the government until tuesday. I'm not kidding. They voted on friday to extend government funding until tuesday, four days later. That was curious, though by itself it doesn't mean the world will end on tuesday. Here's the kicker….on tuesday, the same day government funding runs out, we will have both the winter solstice AND a lunar eclipse, the first time this has happened in 456 YEARS. Coincidence ? I don't think so !!!

Yeah, baby ! How do you like me now ? This also explains why Obama agreed to extend the Bush tax cuts – because the world is going to end in some cataclysmic event and it won't matter !!!

When I found out about this, the first thing I did was to check and see if the world ended the last time the solstice and a lunar eclipse coincided, 456 years ago in 1554. I can't be sure, but it appears the world did NOT end in 1554, though the Tudors were going through some turbulent times under King Henry VIII back in the day. So many dead wives. Perhaps something wicked this way comes.

In order to find out more, I checked with an established spiritual source, the Wiccans:

The celestial eccentricity holds special significance for spiritualities that tap into the energy of the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year and a time that is associated with the rebirth of the sun.

"It's a ritual of transformation from darkness into light," says Nicole Cooper, a high priestess at Toronto's Wiccan Church of Canada. "It's the idea that when things seem really bleak, (it) is often our biggest opportunity for personal transformation.

"The idea that the sun and the moon are almost at their darkest at this point in time really only further goes to hammer that home."

Cooper said Wiccans also see great significance in the unique coupling of the masculine energy of the sun and the feminine energy of the moon — transformative energies that she plans to incorporate into the church's winter-solstice rituals.

Since the last time an eclipse and the winter solstice happened simultaneously was just under five centuries years ago, Cooper said she wasn't familiar with any superstitions or mythologies associated with it.

Aha ! The ritual transformation of darkness into light ! That sounds pretty ominous, though on second thought, it does happen every morning.

I'm also totally onboard with the Wiccans idea of coupling masculine and feminine energies, if you know what I mean…wink, wink. I only hope I get to do it more than once every 456 years. What am I, a monk ?

In conclusion, the world might end on tuesday…or it might not. Maybe it will snow. I can't be certain. What I wonder is, if the world does end tuesday on Obama's watch….how will he blame it on Bush, and what will be the implications for 2012 ? You better get your talking points ready, liberals. Just in case.

Today's top news story comes from across the pond, where a new Royal We is in the making. I normally wouldn't comment on such an event, but I hear from the media it's the wedding of the century, therefore I feel compelled. I only hope I have my facts straight. In jolly old England, Prince Wilbur, the Lord of the Whales, is marrying a commoner, Eliza Doolittle, a Cockney street flower girl. The blessed union will take place next April, when the Queen and the rest of the Royal Family will take time off from their busy hand waving and fox hunting schedules to attend the excessive display of Pomp And Circumstance at the Westminster Kennel Club. Every media outlet known to mankind will also be in attendance. Both the Royal Family and the papparazzi are said to be absolutely thrilled. Wilbur's father, Prince Bonnie Ray Charles, who is the other Lord of the Whales as well as the Duke Of Peterframptonsonchestershireville, was so elated that he gave the marriage a resounding "it's about time," followed by a hearty "tally ho." As for the media, Michado Abootnuttin of the National Taint assured the public that the papparazzi could and would harass the happy couple relentlessly until they both go stark raving mad, thus ensuring yet more sensationalist tabloid trash at your nearest supermarket checkout aisle in the near future. "Think Lady Di," said Abootnuttin. "It's money in the bank." I'm pretty sure this Lady Di of whom Abootnuttin speaks was that great black jazz singer from the 1940's who got hooked on drugs. A tragic tale. Here's to wishing Miss Doolittle a far better future.

In other blockbuster wedding news, my knocked up ex-sister-in-law might get married again next year at the city courthouse. No papparazzi is expected to cover the event, but I hear there will be a kegger at her boyfriend's house after the ceremony. Bring a covered dish.
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Now back to my usual programming.

The lame-duck Congress has set its priorities for the final session. Will the lames finally pass the overdue budget for FY2011 to avoid a government shutdown ? Doubtful, but they'll probably push through some last minute temporary stopgap budgeting so the government can continue spending money it doesn't have for a few more months. Will the lames renew the Bush tax cuts to avoid giving us all a big fat holiday tax increase surprise ? Beats me, but we suddenly have brand new "urgent" lame duck legislative priorities coming from the White House – congressional approval of the new START treaty to replace the one that expired a year ago (wasn't the real urgency LAST year ?), and the DREAM Act to give younger illegal immigrants conditions-based amnesty, thus encouraging yet more illegal immigration to this country when our border is not yet secured. That's a problem, President Obama. Are you looking for more young voters to fool for the 2012 election, or what ? I can think of no other reason for lame-duck "urgency" on this subject. The DREAM Act was first proposed in 2001. While I do have sympathy for children who were brought to this country illegally by their parents through no fault of their own, the DREAM Act has some real problems, which I'll need another post to address.

On the new START treaty, I must begin by saying President Obama's pipedream of a nuclear-free world is childish and unrealistic. Neither he nor anyone else can unring the nuclear bell. The only country we can truly disarm is our own, and it would be extremely foolish and dangerous for us to do so. That being said, I can support the weapons reductions in the new START treaty Obama signed with Russia. I basically agree with what Secretary Of State Hillary Clinton said over the weekend on both Fox News Sunday and Meet The Press. Here's a transcript from Fox:

WALLACE: The Obama administration is pushing for a vote this year on the new START treaty agreement with the Russians, but the lead Republican, Jon Kyl, says that there's not enough time in this session, this lame duck session, before the end of the year. And the fact is you only have one of the nine Republican votes you need. Aren't you taking a big chance pushing for a vote this year and running the risk of suffering a major embarrassing defeat on the world stage?

CLINTON: Well, Chris, I have a great deal of respect for all of my colleagues, Democratic and Republican, in the Senate. And I think that everyone is trying to figure out how to do the right thing on this important treaty.

I would just make three quick points. One, this is in the national security interest of the United States. There's no doubt about it. In fact, what I was a heartened by and even a little surprised by at the NATO meeting was the number of people like Chancellor Merkel of Germany, like foreign ministers and prime ministers and presidents from the Baltic countries, from Central and Eastern Europe, like the editorial written by the foreign minister of Poland, people who on the ground in Europe, nearby Russia, many of whom were part of the former Soviet Union, who are saying, "Please ratify this treaty now, United States Senate."

Now, why are they saying that? Not because they have a dog in the hunt between Republicans and Democrats in our country. It's because they know that this would be an important treaty for the continuing cooperation between Russia and the United States.

Secondly, we do not have any inspectors verifying what Russia is doing with their nuclear stockpile or anything else that is going on in their sights. We lost that capacity.

If you talk to any of our intelligence experts like General Jim Clapper, the new director of the National Intelligence Agency, they will tell you we can cannot go much longer without that capacity restored.

And finally, this is in the tradition of not just bipartisan but nonpartisan action on behalf of arms control treaties, going back to President Reagan, who famously said, "Trust but verify." Well, right now we have no verification.

So what we are arguing is that we'll find the time in the lame duck. I understand the legitimate concern that there might not be enough time to debate, to make sure that everybody is well informed. But as Senator Lugar, who is one of the leading experts in the world on the dangers posed by nuclear weapons, on the necessity of having more insight into what Russia's doing — he said we cannot wait. I agree with him.

And so we're continuing to work with all of our Democratic and Republican senators to try to get to a point where we can hold that vote this year.

I have to say, this is the best answer coming from a Democrat I've heard in a long time. What a refreshing change from the relentless partisanship that Obama puts forth at every turn. Notice the respect Hillary gave to the opposing party, legitimizing GOP concerns, and even citing President Reagan's policy in her answer. THAT is how leaders are supposed to act. THAT is how you build consensus instead of splitting the country apart as Obama has done. I'll say it one more time – you nominated the wrong person in 2008, Democrats. I certainly disagree with Hillary on some issues, and she has made her share of mistakes (Hillarycare, the "vast right wing conspiracy"), but I do have respect for her intelligence, and she is right about the START treaty. We should get it done, either now or in the new Congress.

The Tenth Commandment – "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's."

It seems God thought this anti-coveting thing was pretty important. After all, he only gave Moses ten rules for the people to follow, and the rule against coveting made the cut. Why ? Well, for one thing, if everybody was running around coveting the possessions of everyone else, it could lead to some pretty bad outcomes. Coveting, aka envy, is one of the Seven Deadly Sins for a reason. A world full of coveters is a world full of resentment, and that eats at a person like a cancer. God's anti-coveting Commandment goes a long way toward preventing the breaking of other Commandments, such as – Thou Shalt Not Steal and Thou Shalt Not Murder. It also keeps your neighbor's hands off your wife, the No Adultery Commandment. In the world of criminology, coveting is known as THE MOTIVE.

Because criminology instantly brings politics to mind, I should note that the covetous in politics are easily identifiable. They are the ones always pouting about things not being fair, much like six-year-old children do when you tell them they can't have any more ice cream. "That's not fair," the child cries. "Billy's daddy lets him eat two Klondike bars !" The parent's invariable answer to this is either, "then maybe you should go live at Billy's house," or the more old-school "life's not fair, get used to it" philosophical gem. I'm not sure if the "life's not fair" lesson is used so much these days, with all the emphasis we put on promoting unearned feelings of self-esteem among our glorious little tykes, but to my way of thinking, "life's not fair" is right up there with the Golden Rule in the pantheon of great advice. If you go through life thinking it's supposed to be fair, you're going to be one greatly disappointed and resentful little coveter. You will never be happy, because life can never be fair. It's an impossible standard, and therefore unattainable.

Promoting covetousness does, however, make for some damn fine political hay. The art of politics isn't really about governing the nation. The nation doesn't need THAT much governing, just a little law and order and some basic common sense. The people can handle the rest. The art of politics is really about dividing people into warring camps and then whipping them up into an angry frenzy. If the Democrats can drum up the most frenzied anger, they win. If the Republican do, then they win. Right now, it looks like the Republicans are the angriest. That's bad news for the Democrats in this election cycle. In 2006 and 2008, it was just the opposite. The Democrats had the anger working in their favor, so they won. Usually, the angriest party is the one that's out of power, which is due to it's coveting FOR power, along with the fact that whichever party is IN power fails miserably most of the time. It's not a matter of IF a political party will fail, it's a matter of WHEN. The country usually continues on IN SPITE of the politicians, not because of them, though the politicians certainly don't want you to know that. It would ruin everything.

I have to digress a moment to plug my main political tribe with a quote from political satirist P.J. O'Rourke:

"Think about how we use the word “politics.” Are office politics ever a good thing? When somebody plays politics to get a promotion, does he deserve it? When we call a coworker a “real politician,” is that a compliment? Politics stink. And to my mind, libertarianism is a room deodorizer. It’s trying to keep that bad smell of politics out of home, school, and office."

Indeed. That government is best which governs least, according to founding father Thomas Paine. Given the slimy, dishonest nature of politics, why would we ever want more of it than is absolutely necessary ? Heck, if the government got too big and powerful, we might get 2,000 page long unconstitutional bills that nobody ever read or could comprehend if they did read them, bills that gave the already powerful government much MORE power over us. I mean, you know, that COULD happen, um, in theory. It hasn't happened yet THIS week.

Getting back to covetousness, politicians promote it as if it's their lifeblood, probably because it is their lifeblood. The goal of covetous politicians, as I stated previously, is to divide the public by almost any means necessary in order to acquire power. They lie, cheat, and manipulate the public in the attempt to make their army larger than the opposing army when election time rolls around. Covetous politicians pit rich against poor, black against white, blue collar against white collar, union against non-union, religious against non-religious, young against old, government against business, etc.,….in other words, promoting covetousness is the actual game plan of liberal Democrats and other left-wing groups. Their covetousness leads them to constantly cry "that's not fair !", and causes them to embrace immoral beliefs like theft (though they don't call it theft. That wouldn't fly, so they call it 'redistribution of wealth.' I'm waiting for liberals to redefine armed robbers as 'individual wealth redistributors'). They embrace illegality (though they don't call it illegality. That wouldn't fly, so they use terms like 'undocumented workers'). They embrace discrimination (though they don't call it discrimination. That wouldn't fly, so they call it 'affirmative action'). They embrace unconstitutionality (though they don't call it unconstitutionality. That wouldn't fly, so they call it the 'ObamaCare insurance mandate'). They embrace irrationality (like bitching about Bush's debt runup while making excuses for Obama's much larger debt runup). They even embrace murder (check out how many millions of people were slaughtered by left-wingers in the 20th century, not to mention that being "pro-choice" is about a little more than merely women's rights. It's also about the right to life, an idea important enough to be included in the most famous sentence in the founding document of this country. "We hold these truths to be self-evident…").

When the public is walled off into their own little interest groups, and every group is resentful and blaming the other group, that's when liberal Democrats do their best. If you don't believe me, just watch their campaign ads. The Democrats actively promote hatred. They know it works for them. They're calling Republicans racists, fascists, sellouts to the rich, anti-worker, anti-middle class, haters of the poor, religious fanatics, etc. They'll say ANYTHING to keep us divided. They LOOK for ways to keep us divided (i.e., illegal immigration isn't about illegality to them. Instead, they make it about bigotry to keep the hate fires burning). To put a spin on Rev. Jesse Jackson's old slogan, the liberal motto is Keep Hate Alive. It sure as hell ain't about Hope And Change, or, heaven forbid, post-partisanship. None of the politicians really want that. They want hyper-partisanship. Listen to Obama. See how post-partisan he sounds now. His post-partisan jive is gone with the wind, not that it ever existed in the first place. He just used the idea to get elected. To a liberal Democrat like Obama, 'post-partisan' is synonymous with 'do what I want.' You don't have to take my word for it, just listen to Obama complaining repeatedly about how the "party of no" is "blocking progress." All that means is, Republicans disagree with Obama. In Obama's mind, post-partisanship would be when they don't. If you believe in democracy, you better hope that day never comes.

The kicker is, after all these different methods liberals use to divide the country, guess what they say about a grassroots conservative movement like the Tea Party ??? Why, they call it DIVISIVE, of course. Kettle meet tea pot.

If it seems like I'm singling out liberals here, that's only because I am. They are not only covetous and filled with hate, they are smug and condescending as well, a bad combination of traits for what is rapidly becoming a raving pagan horde of false idol worshippers (and I'm not talking about religion here). All I request is a little courtesy while they go about their business of tearing apart the fabric of American society and replacing it with top-down government tyranny, led by liberals, of course. That shouldn't be too much to ask.

I guarantee every liberal reading this is thinking I'm off my rocker. Liberals know the Republicans are really the divisive ones, not them. Heavens no. Liberals think they are the good people, and it's the Republicans who are the bad ones………while it never dawns on liberals that such thinking proves my point exactly.

P.S. – See you all at the end of next week when I get back in town. I'm going to Vegas to do some gambling,…like…a…covetous…pagan. Aw, rats. There goes my moralizing high ground. Oh well. Just do as I say, not as I do…like I'm Al Gore.

Universe Lacks Diversity: The contestant from Mexico won the Miss Universe pageant yesterday, marking the 59th time in a row that the winner of the Miss Universe beauty pageant has come from the planet Earth. In fact, the winner has always come from Earth. Not one winner has come from any other planet, solar system, or galaxy in the entire vast universe. Mars, Venus, Andromeda, and the United Federation Of Planets have filed discrimination charges. They will be represented by the ACLU. To my knowledge, no conservative group has called to congratulate Miss Mexico, proving that conservatives are anti-Hispanic, and yes, I wrote this solely as an excuse to show a gratuitous photo of pretty girls in bikinis.

Religion Of Peace Kills 32: In it's ongoing effort to promote cultural understanding and tolerance, Muslim suicide bombers and gunmen wearing military uniforms attacked a hotel near Somalia's presidential palace Monday, sparking a one-hour gun battle with security forces. At least 32 people (including many infidels, praise Allah) were killed, including six Somali parliamentarians. It's fairly certain the attack came from Al Shabab, a Muslim group modeled after the Taliban who is allied with Al Qaeda. They are attempting to whip Somalia into submission by force. Al Shabab forbids women to leave home without a male relative, and have banned music, movies, and sports on TV. Limbs are chopped off as punishment, and they carry out executions by stoning. Al Shabab orders Somali households to contribute one son to the militant group's ranks. Childless households must pay Al Shabab $50 per month. The per capita income in Somalia is…$50 per month. In the U.S., such forced contribution goes by the name ObamaCare.

Liberal groups demanded an immediate pullout of U.S. troops from Somalia, until it was pointed out to them that there are no U.S. troops in Somalia. "Well, let's pull out of Afghanistan then, and let the Taliban takeover there," said Professor Percy Noodleman of the liberal think tank StinkProgress. "We must pullout of somewhere, because America is to blame for the violence. It's our policies that create it." A spokesman for the conservative website NewsMocks called Noodleman a "retard," prompting other liberal groups to attack NewsMocks as unenlightened and insensitive for using the word "retard." MSNBC's Keith Ubermoron demanded that every member of the congressional GOP issue a formal apology for the remark, to be followed by a stoning. "This retarded extremist right-wing behavior must end," said Ubermoron, who named the NewsMocks spokesman The Worst Person In The World on his nightly show. The Al Shabab suicide bomber didn't make Uber's Worst list. The other two Worst Persons were Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck, the same as every other night. Not that Ubermoron's perspective is warped or anything. His dozen or so viewers certainly don't think so.

The Road Of Excess Leads To The Palace Of Wisdom: With the state of California facing a $20.7 billion budgetary shortfall this year, the city of Los Angeles just finished building the most expensive public school in the nation's history, the $578 million Robert F. Kennedy School. RFK will serve 4,200 students in grades K-12. RFK follows the opening of two other Los Angeles schools that are among the nation's most expensive – the $377 million Edward R. Roybal Learning Center, which opened in 2008, and the $232 million Visual and Performing Arts High School that debuted in 2009.

The only good news here, if you can call it good news, is that the RFK school didn't come out of the state's education budget. It was funded via $20 billion in voter-approved bonds (Los Angeles County is full of Democrats). Liberal groups have been saying taxes in California are not high enough. I'm not kidding. They've been saying it for the last two years, as one Taj Mahal school after another is constructed. I can't even satirize this story. It satirizes itself. This Los Angeles school district is one of the lowest performing in the country, but at least they're going to look good as they fail. Btw, the RFK school district faces a $640 million budgetary shortfall this year, and has laid off 3,000 teachers over the last two years. To give you an idea how expensive this $578 million school is…China's Olympic Bird's Nest Stadium cost $500 million, and Invesco Field for the Denver Broncos cost $400 million. I wish I was making up any part of this story, but sadly, I'm not. As Forest Gump said, "Stupid is as stupid does." I propose a 99% tax on rich liberal Hollywood celebrities to help California out (which would turn all those rich liberal celebrities into conservative fiscal hawks in about two seconds).

That's all, folks. Over and out.

I've been off the grid for the last ten days or so. My computer crashed and burned like a BP oil rig, my lady love had surgery, and I moved to a new cave. I've missed blogging and corresponding with you all (well, most of you, anyway).

Now my computer is back up and running better than ever (I hope). My hardware problems are fixed (I hope). To correct the problems with my computer, I looked into a federal program run by the newly created Departement Of Personal Computer Social Justice (DOPCSJ). Obama, Pelosi, and Reid all say this department is essential in guaranteeing every American the constitutional right to get online, have their e-mail tracked by the federal government, and view porn, which is also tracked by the federal government. It's a basic human rights issue.

After a dozen phone calls to the DOPCSJ, and after I filled out the necessary thirty-seven pages of forms, I received a memo from the DOPCSJ stating that a commission would be formed to review the status of my computer, and also to determine who was at fault for the hardware problems. The bipartisan commission would report it's findings within 90 days (with five Democrats and four Republicans on the commission, preliminary findings indicated my problems were due to policies of the Bush administration). Following the official finding, a repair order would be issued guaranteeing my computer would be fixed within 12 months, and if it wasn't, I could appeal. The White House also sent me a letter warning that my computer might never be fixed if the Republicans recapture a congressional majority in november. It turns out the mean old Republicans think the DOPCSJ is a waste of money. I guess they don't believe in social justice.

As helpful as the government was, I told them thanks but no thanks, and decided to tackle the problem myself. I ran some diagnostics on my machine and found some problems. Then I went to Best Buy and purchased a couple new memory cards and a new cable modem. My computer problem was resolved an hour later. In fact, my machine is a lot faster than it was before.

Okay, I made that stuff up about the DOPCSJ. There is no DOPCSJ, but only because Obama and company haven't thought of it yet. I'm sure they'll get around to it eventually, once they realize the rich have more computer access than the poor. Our big government critters theorize that if people don't have something, the government should just GIVE it to them. They'll let some future politicos worry about saving the country from bankruptcy. Our official government policy is to tax the bejesus out of some future generation in order to satisfy our own immediate desires. That's what responsible people do, right ? We've gone from JFK saying "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country," to "Ask your country to give you free stuff because you want it."

How inspiring. What could possibly go wrong ?

This reminds me, while I was off the grid the national debt just crept past the $13 trillion mark, and we're adding about $100 billion to the deficit every month.

Party on, dudes ! We'll just put it on the credit card.

As it turns out, our betters in big government now say….you can even quit your job. The government has your back ! Yeah, baby, we're gonna party like it's 1929 ! Here's the person third in line for the presidency, Speaker Of The House Nancy Pelosi, speaking about ObamaCare:

"We see it as an entrepreneurial bill, a bill that says to someone, if you want to be creative and be a musician or whatever, you can leave your work, focus on your talent, your skill, your passion, your aspirations because you will have health care."

San Fran Nan said something similar a couple months ago:

"So, you can‘t—everybody has so much to gain from this, small businesses, as I said, seniors, young people, women, our economy. Think of an economy where people could be an artist or a photographer or a writer without worrying about keeping their day job in order to have health insurance or that people could start a business and be entrepreneurial and take risk, but not job loss because of a child with asthma or someone in the family is bipolar—you name it, any condition—is job locking."

Whoopee ! Let's all quit our jobs and follow our dreams. I know a lot of people who would LOVE to sit around the house all day, get high, and play video games. Thanks to Obama and Pelosi, those people can follow THEIR dreams AND get free health insurance. In addition, the government will give these deadbeats dreamers food stamps, provide cheap housing, pay their heating bills, and even give them spending money. These dreamers will get a lot more money if they spit out a couple kids for other taxpayers to support. Is this a great country, or what ?

Others may have the dream of selling necklaces made of gum wrappers at the flea market, but they are stuck in a day job working at the bank to provide for their families. NOT ANY MORE ! Start making those gum wrapper necklaces, Mr. and Mrs Entrepreneur. Obama and Pelosi are there to pick up the pieces.

With Pelosi's entrepreneurial vision, we'd soon have a society full of artists, musicians, photographers, writers, gum wrapper necklace vendors, and deadbeats dreamers. It's so groovy, man.

The death of responsibility is fully endorsed by your government leaders. You see, they think the more free stuff they give you, the more likely you are to vote for them, even if it does bankrupt the country a few years down the line. They think you are too stupid to even realize the ramifications of their spendthrift policies.

Maybe that's why liberals want to let the illegal immigrants in. Somebody will have to do all the real work, the hard work. Somebody has to be responsible. It might as well be the illegal Mexicans, eh libs ?
—-
And Counting…It's now day 43 of the Obama administration being "on top of" the BP oil spill, which is magnifying into the worst ecological disaster in the history of the country. Good work, bureaucrats. Is it really possible that nobody on this earth knows how to plug a two-foot wide hole in the ocean floor ? I can't accept that. We put a man on the moon for chrissakes. We fixed the Hubbel telescope and the space station in OUTER SPACE, but we can't fix this ? There must be someone out there to say "Yes, We Can." That phrase made a big stir a couple years ago. What happened ?

Liberals have an innate sense of entitlement and dependence. We all have it at some point in our lives, but most of us refer to that period as childhood. With liberals, the feeling persists well beyond the wonder years. This isn't surprising, seeing as how most adult liberals still live in their parent's basements, with their sole source of income coming from selling 1/4oz. bags of weed to their XBOX buddies. It's hard to move beyond dependence and into adult responsibility when mom still washes your underwear and prepares your meals for you.

Following high school graduation, which even a chimpanzee could achieve in today's public schools, the more enterprising young liberals get mommy and daddy to spring for a college dorm room, where the liberal exists on Captain Crunch, Little Caesar's Pizza, Cool Ranch Doritos, and Old Milwaukee for four years straight. Often it's six years straight. It's during this time period, when the young liberal mistakenly believes he's living "on his own," that the liberal realizes his parents, who worked their entire lives in order to pay for the his college education, are complete idiots. This realization generally manifests itself when the liberal takes an elective course called something like Marxism Misunderstood, taught by a bearded, sandal-wearing, tenured professor who also lives in his parent's basement.

After his four-to-six year university indoctrination, the idealistic liberal emerges into the real world, full of what he mistakenly believes to be wisdom, armed with a degree in Philosophy from Berkeley. Shocked that none of the big philosophy companies are hiring, the liberal returns to the basement in despair, but eventually lands a half-decent job selling Prius's at the local Toyota dealership.

Shortly thereafter, something happens that rocks the liberal's world to the core. He receives his first paycheck, and discovers that 1/3rd of his wages have been confiscated right off the top !?!?!!. There are deductions for federal income tax, state income tax, local income tax, FICA tax (what the heck is THAT ?), Medicare tax, health insurance deductions, 401K deductions……….the liberal doesn't have nearly as much money left as he had planned, and now he can't afford Grand Theft Auto III, because his lousy parents started charging him rent, the nazis. What kind of racket is this ? is the liberal's first thought. This is when the liberal must make a major life decision. He's at a crossroads. He must either a) admit he doesn't know squat about how the world really works, thus discarding his previous childish fantasies, or b) enter the persistent vege-liberal state and convince his parents to pay for graduate school.

In graduate school, the persistent vege-liberal puts the lessons learned during his two grueling weeks in the workforce to good use. He knows he must get a real job eventually, as distasteful as the notion is, so he reviews his options. The primary goal is to avoid as much responsibility as possible while still earning a living. He could become a tenured professor of marxism like his mentor. He likes the word "tenured," which means you can't be fired no matter how inept you are. That's a big plus. He'd also get to piss-and-moan about America a lot as a college professor, another bonus. The liberal thinks about other piss-and-moan-oriented professions he could enter. He could become a newspaper columnist, or a community organizer. They get to piss-and-moan all day every day, and aren't ever held responsible for their actions. Or, he could shoot for a career in politics and never have to be responsible again. The only requirement there seems to be the ability to talk at length without actually saying anything, and the liberal already knows the talking points. He doesn't know if any of them are the least bit true or not, but that doesn't matter. The only important thing is that he knows them and can repeat them without even thinking. Another popular area for persistent vege-liberals is in the pure fantasy professions, such as acting, art, or a nighttime talk show on MSNBC.

The critical element to being a persistent vege-liberal is…logic and reason don't enter into the equation. Instead, it's only about emotion and political correctness. It's about what feels good. Abandoning logic and reason does come with a price, of course, and that price is the loss of a firm grip on reality. The persistent vege-liberal lives in a state of delusion. That's why when the persistent vege-liberal hears a non-liberal say something like "I disagree with President Obama on Cap-And Trade," the vege-liberal hears "I'm a white supremacist who wants to rape planet earth so Exxon can make obscene profits." The persistent vege-liberal doesn't hear much of anything as presented on it's face, so it's almost impossible to enter into rational discourse with him. The vege-liberal sees nothing but code words and unspoken subtext. That's why the vege-liberal whips up so many elaborate conspiracy theories to distort the plain facts. For example, if a non-liberal says "I agree with the Tea Party movement. Government spending is out of control," the vege-liberal hears "I'm Timothy McVeigh, and I want to blow up the IRS." Using logic to argue with such a person is a hopeless endeavor. Recommending a good therapist is a better course of action.

If you are wondering whether you are a persistent vege-liberal, there's a simple way to make the determination. If you think this post was at least kind of humorous, you're safe. But if you think ohio.com should be condemned for giving a mean-spirited jerk like me the opportunity to write this abhorrent slanderous trash, or think this borders on being beyond the bounds of acceptable free speech….congratulations, you've achieved the persistent vege-liberal state. Drop me a line if you need a recommendation for a good therapist.

President Obama made the following groundbreaking announcement at the abandoned Members Only warehouse this morning (the same warehouse where Derek Zoolander and Hansel held their historic male model "walk-off"):

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. As I look around this room, I see many well-dressed people. I see members of Congress, lobbyists for powerful special interests, and media giants in attendance. As the privileged few, we can afford the finest fashions, the best designer clothing. We are the lucky ones, but not everyone in America shares in our good fortune. Throughout this land, the wealthiest country in the world, we have a great disparity in the quality of clothing and accessibility to fine clothing. Even as we in this room don our Brooks Brothers suits and Donna Karan dresses, others, through no fault of their own, are forced to wear sub-standard clothing, such as cheap sweat pants and t-shirts from Value City or Goodwill. Others are forced into wearing threadbare hand-me-downs, and some even make pants out of trash bags, or wear only boxer shorts. Imagine if one of those people was your child or your grandmother.

This is a grave injustice in a country that prides itself on equal rights for all. Quality clothing is a basic human right, and no American should be without it. As many as 60 million in this country suffer from inferior clothing, and many die due to a lack of proper warm clothing in the winter. We have a moral obligation as a people to correct this situation, and that's why I'm calling today for an overhaul of our clothing delivery system. Everybody should enjoy the same quality of fine clothing that Congress receives, and that's the goal of my clothing reform.

We currently have a system where greedy clothing retailers and wholesalers line their pockets with profits while the underprivileged struggle to meet their daily clothing needs. Giant corporate interests and Wall Street gamblers make millions in this immoral de-pantsing of ordinary working people, who often must make a decision on whether to purchase proper clothing or pay their heating bill. CEO's like Calvin Klein and Tommy Hilfiger rake in the big bucks and live in mansions. The same can be said for the supermodels, the beautiful people who serve as hucksters for the corporate world and drive clothing prices out of the reach of most. Together, these shirtsters and shoesters add 30%, 50%, 100%, or more to the cost of our underwear and outerwear.

I receive many letters and e-mails from Americans seeking help with their apparel needs. One such letter came from Mr. Willy Makeit of Gary, Indiana. Willy writes, 'Dear Mr. President. I've been out of work for 6 months, and this morning I finally had a job interview. When I went to put on my one decent pair of dress pants, I noticed the rear end had split out, leaving me nothing to wear for the interview. As a result, I didn't get the job, and now I don't know how I will feed my six kids. Please help. I'm nearly at the end of my rope. I'm also a veteran.'

Hearbreaking stories like this are why I'm calling for a redistribution of our clothing wealth. I am creating a government program that will require the big clothing corporations to provide affordable, quality clothing for all. This program will bend down the clothing cost curve and provide clothing subsidies of up to $1,500 per year to all who need it. I will pay for this program by reversing the Bush tax cuts for the rich, and by imposing a tax on those making more than $250,000 per year. I also mandate that employers give clothing benefits to all employees at a minimum of $1,000 per employee per year. I further mandate that all clothing be union-made to insure that the finest quality is achieved. This will, of course, be resisted by the powerful special interests, but I will not stop. I will create a new government agency, the Federal Department Of Apparel, to insure against price-gouging, excessive profits, and outrageous executive salaries in the garment industry. My goal is to make the United States the best-dressed nation on earth, and I will not stop until this right is bestowed upon every man, woman, and child in this great country. Clothing is a more important right than the right to a job, the right to food, the right to shelter, or even the right to health care. Without clothing, you can't even do these other things. You'd be arrested if you went outside without any clothes on. Clothing is therefore a primary right.

There are naysayers who complain that the U.S. Constitution doesn't give the federal government the power to control the clothing industry. This phony argument presents a false choice, and is only a distraction used for partisan political purposes. In addition, the Constitution has a blind spot when it comes to both casual and formal wear. The founding fathers did not address the issue.

There are others who desire a single-payer clothing system, and while that is an admirable goal, the history of garment development in this country does not easily lend itself to this end. Unfortunately, we have a history of capitalism and free market economics in this country. Despite all it's flaws and inequities, we cannot fundamentally transform this system overnight. It will take time. My clothing reform is an important and critical first step.

I expect Congress to have the Clothing Reform bill on my desk by the end of this year, when I will sign it into law. In closing, I say God bless America, whether your God be Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or whatever, or if you have no God at all. Thank you very much. Yes We Can !"

Now that it appears the Democrats are going to pass something they can call health care reform, I've been wondering what will come next for the Dems. There's cap-and-trade to ruin the energy industry fix global warming climate change, but then what, other than the inevitable amendments to health care reform and cap-and-trade that will have to be implemented to deal with all the unintended consequences of those oppressive measures ?

Because it's the holiday season and I wish good will to all men, I have a killer idea for the donkeys in their quest for a Fourth Reich Of The Democrat Kind…….

Fruits and vegetables.

Yup. Fruits and vegetables could be the next "crisis" for the Democrats to address. Think about it. All people need food (even more than health insurance, believe it or not), and fruits and vegetables are acknowledged as the healthiest foods. All the Democrats have to do is use their standard talking points, apply them to fruits and vegetables, and voila!, a "crisis" is born ! Here's what I mean:

1. People need fruits and vegetables, but the rich have the means to purchase them in much greater quantities than do the poor. All liberals know this is not fair. I bet they could even find a study that says 40,000 people die every year from not having enough fruits and vegetables. The Dems could say Fruit And Vegetable Reform is about saving lives.

2. Evil capitalism and it's demonic sidekick, PROFIT, rear their ugly heads all along the food production cycle. Farmers (often evil corporate farmers) make profits, wholesalers make profits, truckers make profits, and grocery retailers make profits from selling lifesaving fruits and vegetables to the American people at inflated prices. This is a travesty, putting people's lives second to the almighty dollar. Liberals could propose a single-payer fruit and vegetable system to correct this outrage. Maybe they could create a couple government-sponsored enterprises to oversee the redistribution of food wealth – Fruity Mae and Veggie Mac. Sure we have the Food Stamp program already, but that's like Medicaid, woefully inadequate. Much more needs to be done. There are probably 100 million Americans who don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. The government must step in to bend down the cost curve and correct this dire situation.

3. Simply taking control of the food production cycle from A to Z is not enough. In order for the government to ensure that all Americans eat their fruits and vegetables, the government must mandate it. Americans must either eat their recommended amounts of fruits and vegetables each day or pay a fine/face imprisonment. It's for our own good, you know.

4. Huge tax increases must be implemented to pay for the government taking over all the farms, wholesalers, trucking companies, and grocery stores. When "naysayers" point out that this is socialism, liberals will laugh derisively and accuse the naysayers of being for "the failed policies of the past" for using the term "socialism," and then point out that lots of socialism already exists in America – the post office, the military, health care, General Motors, Social Security, etc. A little more socialism will surely not hurt.

5. Subsidies (welfare) will be enacted to help the poor have the same ability to acquire fruits and vegetables as the wealthy folks do. Again, this is a health and fairness issue. I know we already have tons of unfunded entitlement liabilities, but see point #4 about paying more taxes. Don't worry, only OTHER people will pay those taxes, not you. Or at least Congress will make it appear that way. They are experts at that kind of thing.

Any conservative types who oppose Fruit And Vegetable Reform will be characterized as mean, greedy, and uncaring. If any of those mean conservatives start muttering about how inefficient the enormous federal bureacracy is, or start yammering about supply and demand principles, or any stuff like that, just point out how well centralized food production and distribution has worked out elsewhere, like in the Soviet Union. On second thought, strike that, even though waiting in line six hours for a loaf of bread IS preferable to having an unfair capitalist pig, profit-based food system where almost every conceivable type of food is abundant and readily available. Remember, this is about FAIRNESS. The rich capitalist foodsters don't care about that. They only care about their big salaries and yachts.

In order to get the ball rolling, I'm urging all caring liberals to lend their financial assistance to my new lobbying group, People For A Vegetative State. You can make your checks out to me personally, and I'll see that your money goes to bribe every congressperson in sight (after a small remuneration to me for my time and efforts. I have to eat too. ). You can trust me. I'm compassionate. After all, I thought up this idea, didn't I ???

And after Fruit And Vegetable Reform passes, we'll go after the scumbags in the clothing industry. I can't afford designer labels, can you ??? Only the wealthy rapists of the proletariat can afford stuff like that. Power to the people, and dos vedanya.

It's long past time that I paid tribute to The Onion, America's Finest News Source. Here are some selected news features.

Warning – there may be an odd curse word or ten contained in the material below.

1. A certain President has a teleprompter snafu:

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

2. December has been named National Awareness Month.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."
"All across the country, millions of men and women are dangerously unaware," AFPAT spokesperson Karen Teeling said during a press conference Monday. "What's worse, the vast majority of those suffering from this debilitating state of mind don't even know it." MORE

3. American Muslims To Fort Hood Shooter, 'Thanks A Lot, A**hole':

Following Army psychologist Nidal Malik Hasan's shooting rampage on the Fort Hood military base last week…fellow Muslims across the nation sent him a message today, saying "thanks a f*cking bunch, a**hole," to the 39-year-old killer. "Hey, great, eight years of progress right down the sh*tter," MORE

4. Congress Approves $500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly.

WASHINGTON—In recognition of mankind's inherent propensity for tragically foolish decisions, Congress allocated nearly $500 billion Monday for the construction of a new national monument honoring human folly.
"From Hannibal's disastrous crossing of the Alps to Custer's humiliating defeat at Little Bighorn, human history has been plagued by senseless mistakes, and it is high time we built a memorial to honor that history," House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) said of the expensive and ill-advised monument. "My deepest hope is that future generations of Americans will one day look upon this pointless edifice and be filled with a sense of awe and wonder at mankind's utter lack of foresight."
"To think of all the ways our time and money could have been better spent," Pelosi continued. "I can imagine no more fitting tribute." MORE

5. Obama's Declaration Of Swine Flu Emergency Prompts Pro-Swine-Flu Republican Response.

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the president was preying on the public's fear of contracting a fatal disease last week when he declared the H1N1 virus a national emergency, Republican leaders announced Wednesday that they were officially endorsing the swine flu. "Thousands of Americans—hardworking ordinary Americans like you and me—already have H1N1," Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele said during a press conference. "Now Obama wants to take that away from us. Ask yourself: Do you want the federal government making these kinds of health care decisions for you and your family?" MORE

6. Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed.

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama held a nationally televised address Tuesday to "clarify any misunderstandings" about his health care proposal, assuring Americans that under the new bill senior citizens—and not the federal government—will have the right to choose how they are executed. The president vows to systematically eliminate all American seniors in a manner of their choosing by 2011.
"Let me dispel these ridiculous rumors once and for all and set the record straight: Under my plan, seniors are going to be killed the way they want to be killed, end of story," said the president, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority. MORE

All Onion News Network stories have been certified to be 100% mostly true by the Arthur Andersen accounting firm.

It has been quite a ride for Barack Hussein Obama. In addition to becoming the first Kenyan-born American President after stealing the 2008 Democratic primary from Hillary Clinton and having ACORN fix the general election in a dozen states, Obama won the prestidigitous Nobel Peace Prize for saying "Hopey" stuff to foreigners. (This just in – Peace Prize winner Obama authorized a drone attack in Pakistan, killing four people). What has not been so widely reported are a number of other awards our wunderkind President has received. In a worldwide scoop of imaginary proportions, All Da King's Men takes pleasure in reporting the following:

For playing in pickup basketball games, Obama has won the NBA Most Valuable Player award. For appearing on television, Obama has been awarded an Emmy for Best Dramatic Actor, and also for the new Best Teleprompter Performance category. For throwing out the first pitch at a baseball game, Obama has been awarded the MLB Cy Young award (in the special 'throws like a girl' division). For going to Copenhagen to speak to the Olympic Committee on behalf of Chicago, Obama has been awarded the Gold Medal in the high hurdles. Obama has also been named Dog Owner of the Year by the American Kennel Club, Best Dressed Man by GQ, Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine, Time Magazine Man of the Century, and Best Person In The World by Keith Olbermann for a record 492 days in a row. Obama was also named the Businessman Of The Year by Moveon.org for "saving" 375 million American jobs with his stimulus package, though 3 million American jobs were actually lost overall. Kudos to Mr. Obama, whose rallying cry of "it could have been even worse" has brought untold comfort to so many of the unemployed.

Inexplicably, President Obama did NOT win the Oscar for Best Actor In A Motion Picture, sparking immediate complaints of bias from the mainstream media. The Justice Department is investigating possible ballot box stuffing by Fox News after Glenn Beck's underdog victory against the heavily favored Obama. A vast, right wing conspiracy is suspected. MSNBC talker Chis Matthews attributed this "unparalleled slap in the face" to racism and the "de facto leader of the Republican party," Rush Limbaugh. Matthews' call to kill Limbaugh by exploding a CO2 canister inside Limbaugh's head was widely endorsed in liberal circles, due to Limbaugh's tendency to engage in rhetoric that, according to liberals, "contains veiled code words that incite violence." No Limbaugh-related violence has yet taken place during the radio talker's 21-year career, but media pundits expect the lid to blow of that simmering cauldron of rage any day now. The media also added that Limbaugh was a fat racist drug addict, could stick his NFL bid up his blowhole, and called for an immediate end to his divisive rhetoric.

In related news, former Alaskan governor Sarah Palin was named Wingnut of the Year, Worst Mother of the Year, and Complete and Total B*tch of the Year by Soros-affiliate Media Matters, who called for an immediate end to her divisive rhetoric.

Former President George W. Bush was named Nazi of the Decade for overthrowing the Taliban and Saddam Hussein, thereby freeing 55 million people from tyranny. Bush also won the Unilateral Cowboy Yahoo award for invading Iraq along with 33 other countries and the authorization of the United States Congress. President Bush was unavailable for comment, but former Veep Dick Cheney unleashed a string of profanity when asked about the ignominious awards by non-partisan investigative journalist Janeane Garofalo, who queried "who is the biggest Nazi, you or Dubya ?". Garofalo was treated for birdshot wounds later at a local hospital.

The Nobel Prize for Economics went to independent filmmaker Michael Moore, who developed the brand new economic theory that "the alternative to capitalism is democracy." This groundbreaking theory is so deep and profound that nobody can figure out what the heck Mr. Moore is talking about, being that capitalism is an economic system, and democracy is a system of government. And here I always thought the alternative to capitalism was the House Of Representatives. Darn. Mr. Moore has bonafide credentials as a high school graduate and is a workingman's hero, having worked at a General Motors plant for one day (not kidding). Then he filed for workmens's compensation and SSI. He's the real deal. Fellow Nobel laureate economist Paul Krugman of the New York Times, who won the award for his "liberals are smarter than you" economic theory, said Michael Moore was deserving of the Nobel prize, unlike those hacks Milton Friedman and Adam Smith, who believed in some shadowy concept known as the stupid free market.

The White House has decided to wage war against Fox News (but is still trying to decide if the Taliban is the enemy), and named it the Most Irritating News Network Of The Year. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs declared "Fox News keeps saying stuff we don't like. That must stop, or we'll launch a drone attack against them. They're jihadists". When reached for comment, rival cable news network MSNBC asserted, "nyah, nyah, na, na, na". MSNBC's Keith Olbermann is expected to deliver an hour-long, emotive, and heartfelt special comment about Fox called "Fixed Noise Is Satan, But Far Worse, And I Should Know, I'm Kind Of An Ivy Leaguer," though only six people will actually see Keith Olbermann's program. Fellow MSNBC'er Rachel Maddow insists that Olbermann's histrionics are very important and not to be missed (and she said it with her serious face, so she really means it).

Winner of Hollywood's Favorite Pedophile Of The Year is acclaimed filmmaker/convicted child rapist Roman Polanski, who, upon hearing of his honor, said, "Guilty as hell, free as a bird." No, wait. That's what William Ayers said after he got off on domestic terrorism charges on a technicality. Polanski said "Guilty as hell, free as a JAIL bird". Polanski remains in the pokey, even though celeb-o-crat Whoopi Goldberg claims that Polanski didn't commit "rape rape." No, it was more like pretend rape, but still with the rape part. It's nuanced.

In an effort to remake the tragically unhip GOP maxi-zoomed dweebies into a bunch of super-cool hep cats, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele has won the Welcome To This Century award for discovering….blogging [golf clap]. Steele's blog is called Change The Game, winning out over his other possible blog name choices, such as, "Don't Be A GOP Playa Hater," "A Steele In The Hand Is Worth Two Of Bush," "The GOP Is Dyn-O-Mite !," and my personal favorite, "Repub-We-Can !". No word yet on who will be replacing Michael Steele as RNC chairman.